Helpful Holiday Tips

Today’s post is a guest post by my dear friend, the awesome and inimitable Leigh Welper.  Last week I had a cold and was extra miserable, and Leigh provided the following to cheer me up.  Convinced that more people could benefit from such timely wisdom, I’m sharing her holiday list here.  

I have always loved Christmas (minus the commercialization) and holidays in general, but this year is different.  For the most part, right now the holidays are a huge, painful reminder that my Mom is not here to share them.  When I go through really awful times, sometimes dark humor is what soothes my soul best – so for anyone else who’s sick of certain aspects of the holiday season, I hope the following offers some subversive chuckles.  (Note: neither this website, myself, my associates, nor my cats take any responsibility for any consequences of people actually trying anything on the following list.) 

From the book of Leigh’s Cheesy Wisdom:

Ten Ways to Get Through the Fucking Holidays

1. At high-brow Christmas choir events, flasks do help, and can we just admit here that whiskey does not cure a cold, but it will make you feel better if you take a small sip every time the word JOY is sung with an overreaching vibrato.

2. Make christmas cookies.  Frost them black and paint red anarcha-feminist slogans on them.  Either smash them with hammers or take them down and hang them on a prominently displayed tree in the public square.  Or quietly feed them to pigeons from a park bench.

3. Find a really cool crèche– the kind that is huge and gaudy, and again somewhat in the public domain.  At midnight, don black, put a nylon stocking over your face.  Put on a creepy black knit hat.  Sneak over with a couple of grapefruits and an over-sized sports bra.  Rig the madonna so that she is properly breast feeding the christ child.  Scrawl Viva la Leche! in chalk as you leave.

4. Mistletoe is problematic.  You do want to take advantage if you encounter it, and get a kiss in with your sweetie, but then make sure to rip that shit down so others can’t piss you off later.

5. In public settings, make sure that when they sing those xmas carols that have the word “gay” in them (there are so many) that you punch that part up correctly and properly emphasize the gayness of Christmas.  This is something Christians need to just admit.  They have the gayest holidays ever.  A special Leigh touch would be to also bleat the word “lamb” if it appears in any prayers or songs which it often does in Catholic spaces.

6. Knit a giant green and red glove with a prominent, erect, middle finger, stuff it with leaves and set it out in your front yard.

7. If you need more space, announce to your family and friends that instead of exchanging presents you want them to recite poetry to each other.  Enjoy the dead silence and watch them slowly backing away from you.

8. Too many commercials of smiling, happy nuclear families and babies and kids?  Get drunk, make your own commercial, and tell it like it is.  Video yourself in a miserable state.  Post it on youtube, and drunk email the link to all your friends with a chipper holiday tag line.  Don’t answer the phone calls that will start pouring in.

9. Find a bus with a-holes on it.  Every time they use the b-word, begin praying loudly for their souls.  Hand them a “Misogynists Anonymous” flyer with heralding angels printed on the front announcing an end to woman-hating, and kindly, with tears in your eyes,  invite them to xmas dinner at your house to sing christmas songs and pray.  Enjoy watching them squirm and freak out.

10. If anyone really pisses you off, put them on your santa list, and knock their door on christmas eve to talk to them about who they plan to support in the 2016 presidential election.  Keep your toe firmly planted across the threshold of the door and don’t stop til you get through your whole rap.

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One thought on “Helpful Holiday Tips

  1. Def time to get the 2016 campaign started…

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